Not in Love
by Sigmoid Darkz
Summary: Thoughts of James as he goes through a hell of a love story.His thoughts on Lily's rejection,his own dark descent,then his own rebirth as a new man and lastly a second chance for love to prove that even in the darkest corners of a cynic's heart it exists.


Disclaimer: Every character belongs to J.K Rowling's. But, some of the feelings expressed are true feelings experienced by me and some are made up.

The Dark Descent...

First Sight. (First Year)

I saw today an object of utmost beauty, so beautiful that it gave me the feel of life in heavens. Her unearthly beauty beckons me to follow her, and yes I can follow her exquisite emerald green eyes from the end of the world to the pits of hell. The eyes sparkle with laughter and life. Her bright red hair gives her a crown of divine beauty. The shine of her lazy curls of red hair is as bright as the mighty sun. Her fair skin, which is as pale as the porcelain, exudes the aura of brightest light. It seems that the angelic sweet pink lips of her can never pronounce the words of hate and cruelty. She is the ultimate creation of god who can rival the beauties of heaven and put them to shame. She is Lily Evans.

First Date. (Fourth Year)

I am the happiest man alive, Lily Evans, my Lady Love have at last agreed to go on a date with me. Nobody has ever felt as deeply as I am feeling now. From the first day I have seen the luscious red mane of her I have been entranced by her beauty. She is the one for me, and I am the one for her. I do hope that our date gets only word to represent it-perfect. Yes I want it to be just about perfect; she is girl I really wanted to date all along. Sirius Black, my brother not in blood but in bond, is still skeptical of this girl. But, I hope during my future with Lily, he gets better acquainted to her.

Rejection. (Fifth Year)

Yes, I went towards her as a moth towards flame. She called me towards her, towards her faux show of Love, towards her deceit, towards my eminent downfall as predicted by Sirius Black, my best mate. After the show was over, and she was entertained enough with my love she threw me and my love aside, like the bottle of her favorite perfume. She singed me like the flame sings the wings of the moth which flies too close to the flames. Beware little fly for the most exceeding beauty is also the cruelest of tormentor.

Madness. (Fifth year)

This constant anger makes me do senseless acts of violence. It makes me look too arrogant; everybody sees the laughter derived from my acts, which are cruel to say the least. But every bit of the cruelty comes from her rejections of my Love.

No one sees my descent into madness as I lose my grip on this sane world of cruel people who does not know of the existence of burning desire and broken heart inside my guilty chest-the guilt accumulated from the misdeeds in the moments of lost sanity, yet I feel free during these spells of insanity 'cause it sets me free to enjoy without any misery to overshadow my every move.

My internal demons fueled by the rejections of Lily Evans and her hypocrisy are ripping away the tender self which once existed and liked everything that is good. It once desired to be loved and cared for. Can this gentle self win a losing fight? This one self which hid behind a show of manliness and pride to be a Gryffindor is slowly wasting away under the constant outpour of the insensitive and careless words from the lips of the one who is loved the most. She doesn't know that words can kill too, her pride and ego doesn't let her see past my act of mischief and insolence to the true cause of this act. The real reason for this act to be put up was never what everybody thought it to be, each and every one of my little 'shows' were ploys to get her to notice me and be impressed of my skills so that I can get a chance with her again.

My armada of love and affection which brought hundreds and thousands of flowers were slain and obliterated by her careless blows of vindictive, hurtful and demoralizing comments. The demons, who raged a battle within my body, to take my life away is aided by the one who I loved the most. She is asking for the ultimate sacrifice-she is asking for my life. Although I love her to pieces I am not yet ready to give her my life.

But one thing is for sure that she will get whatever she wants whether I am ready for it or not, she won't care one bit.

Yet one question still remains in the depths of my heart-Will this ultimate sacrifice from my part suffice her demands and make her believe in my love? This question itself starts off a string of other questions, Am I destined to love from far away always, never to hold her in my arms? Am I destined to become a ghost who for the sake of the one whom he love the most, his paramour, should revisit this realm of humans, just once more to see that she is happy with whom she chose over me, to ensure that she is safe? Am I destined to become the cursed one who took his own life? Am I? Because if that are the things she wants, then for Lily Evans, this one James Potter would do anything.

Darkness Within. (Fifth Year)

If you had left me for my faults then I could have felt less frustrated, I would have thought that threw was a possibility, a chance for 'us' being together. I could have tried to change myself and improve so that I could match your expectations, and then we could have got back and live happily ever after. But no, that's not what happened, you chose someone over me. You believed someone is better than me. You proved that someone is out there whom 'you' want more.

And, you know what, that hurts the most. That feels like a dagger through the heart. Now I feel that I won't have a second chance, I feel like I have lost you forever. There will never be an 'us' again. Goodbye, my sweet love, for you are being replaced.

My world which I created, in which I belonged to with you, is crumbling around me because you were the centre of my world, my world revolve around you, but you kicked away everything I had created and demolished me, it feels worse than death. I would willingly take a hundred cruciatus curse any day over this pain. Cruciatus damages the body and the pain is too much for one to handle, but this pain is worse it is like slow doses of million curses and hexes that course through ever fiber of my being every day, every hour, every minute, every second. I have come to realize that this pain will be there as long as she is away from me, and knowing that she is with someone else gives me only one escape from this inhuman torture, I have to take away willingly my own life, as she wanted. But do I have so low perseverance?

Rebirth. (Sixth Year)

You will never forgive her again. Too long she has hurt you. It's time for payback. For too long you have seen her reject you and prance around in other man's arms. She had rejected your true love for mere passing infatuation of others, all in the name of past childish mistakes. You have suffered too long and her rejection has taken deep roots in your consciousness. Never again will you let her come near your heart. You had given your heart to her one times too many only for her to crush it. Yes, you do know that your heart has always belonged to her, you had given her your heart to play with and do anything with it but you had also begged, on your knees, for her to not break your heart. But she had squashed your heart again and again only to throw it back on your face.

Yet, you as always like a fool have taken the pieces of your broken heart, mended it and nursed it only to place it at her feet again to be crushed and rejected. Too long you have been a fool, for too long you have been a dejected soul.

You have cried your eyes dry in secret for too long. She had made you wary of the women kind. She has taught you the final lesson to be careful in the matter of hearts and not to throw it at anyone's feet.

Dark Heart. (Sixth Year)

Now, you will take vindictive pleasure in seeing her being rejected. You will see how she recognizes that she had herself rejected the true love of your pure heart, which held at that past moments nothing but love in its purest form, undiluted and un-adulterated.

But, she had rejected it for all the fake feelings of beautiful, model students whom she adored. They were mask wearer of the masquerade who put on the mask of pure white innocence, she near saw past their masks and gave them 'her' heart which showed have belonged to me. I never was the innocent student, I was the manliest man who never lies to stay innocent, I have committed my mistakes with pleasure and taken the rightful punishment head-on, for that my name has been smeared as the arrogant prankster ,all had seen the my very own mask of arrogance. She had looked down at me with disdain never to know that beneath this dark mask lays a heart filled with purest of love. The mask wearing model students have used her sweet nature and played with her only to throw her away later as if she was not worth of their time.

It is now ,when you will find pleasure as you sit back surrounded by girls, about whom you don't even care about or want to be with, and watch her in her distress as she gets messed up and tossed around until she is left as a beautiful dizzying mess. You don't know when such crudity and vengeance character had crept up to your nature but one thing you know for sure that whenever it had happened it had happened for her only, she is the reason, as always. She has messed you up so bad that the sweet innocent side which you had reserved for her so long had now left replacing it with a dark heart and a skeptic cynic. Can there come a time that you will get back to that sweet innocence which once existed? Can your innocence return? Can there be anyone in this whole wide world that can take her place on the pedestal of your heart and heal all your scars which you have put on your skin yourself as a reminder of her rejection? Can anyone make you feel love again? Or will it be her return to you that would fill the bottomless abyss in your heart?

Returned. (Seventh Year)

She had left you bleeding for too long and now you will show her what it is to feel rejected. She had bled you out of all compassion and goodness of character. You no longer feel the cruelty you inflict upon others. You are lonely and unhappy. Yet, there are moments of pleasure when you see her crestfallen face, because few months back 'you' were the one who looked heartbroken by 'her' rejection.

You are going crazy, can this be the love for her that's left in some long forgotten corner of your now dark heart. If you are true to yourself then you know that your love for her is too deep-seated, you had never given up on her. You know that you will push past this realm of pain into the pleasure that awaits your arrival beyond the realm of pain. You know that all these pleasure you get from seeing her dejected and sorrow is nothing but coolant for your jealousy. Her crestfallen look reassures you that you still have a chance with her, where you can win her love back and get past the pain she had caused you to the sweet pleasure she offers when she truly falls in love with you.

Second Chance. (Seventh Year)

You have grown up and have gained enough sense to know that when she comes running back to you for comfort and love you have been offering her so long only to be rejected, you should not give into her and withhold yourself from trusting her straight away because then she will leave you again as before. You will be her rebound after every broken relationship of hers as she knows you love her too much to walk away from her pitiful state, she knows this and she uses this for her benefit. She will go around frolicking with other guys as you keep pinning for her. You have to show her that although your love for her is true it is not something to play around with. If she wants you, she will have to show devotion and desire to give you all, not just body and false show of affection. She will have to show that she belongs with me in her soul and mind. She will have to show that she love you as dearly as you love her. You have suffered chasing after her and seeing her go out with other boys, she too has to feel the jealousy and hurt and only when you have seen that she is vulnerable as you were once.

Then, you will accept her back, like the one she deserves to be-your deepest desire, your soul mate. She will have to prove that you can trust her not to leave you again for some cheap fun as she did before. She would have to prove that she sees no man as she had seen you. She would have to prove to prove that you are 'her' desired one. Only her true tears of losing someone for whom she cares the most and not the crocodile tears for false public display will prove her to be worth of your deepest passion, your deepest desire, your wildest dreams, your true partner and your 'better-half'.

A/N: BACKGROUND: - Lily here is a bit of a heartbreaker, she dates James in fourth year only to break his heart later. The James goes into his mad rampage of fifth year, later he becomes the cold calculated devil incarnate during sixth year, but with Voldemort at large he gives up his image of devil incarnate to become the Head Boy, and fall in love once again.

A/N: This one is for you Taby, and for you too Rito.

It's just a rough patchwork of a bigger plot. I will write it down if the review count of this story is good. Just review if you need to know more.


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